My niece, Shelby, recently decried the fact that people are too whiny as of late, and I agree. Folks take themselves much too seriously. They have to lighten up.
And so, as New Year's Day inches ever closer, let us end the year on the upswing with a perfect New Year's Resolution: Resolve to tell at least one joke a day. Resolve to make more people laugh. Resolve to resurrect the art of telling "The Shaggy Dog."
More about this a bit later ...
I love good jokes -- no! great jokes! Years ago, I liked the ones that contained expletives every other word, the ones that were juiced up with lurid, sexually-graphic content that might have made Larry Flynt blush. Think traveling salesman and the farmer's daughter and XXX-rated.
Today, I like them tamer in content, context, timing and language. Of course a joke should be and must be a bit edgy, but it also has to be able to stand up for itself in mixed company. Sometimes, cornier is better.
Like this one...
This shitaki mushroom walks into the saloon, goes over to bar and shouts to the bartender, "Set me up with a shot and a beer." The bartender snaps, "We don't serve your kind 'round here!" And then he proceeds to throw the mushroom out the door. To which, the mushroom says: "What the hell did you do that for? I'm a fun guy!"
Ouch! Cite: Sam Huber.
How about this one: This duck waddles into the drug store, goes down to the back and says to the pharmacist: "I'd like to buy a box of rubbers, please." The druggist says, "OK. I'll play along. Will that be cash or charge." To which the duck says, "Oh, just go ahead and put them all on my bill!"
Double Ouch! Cite: Bob Dotchin.
Which leads me back to Shaggy Dogs.
A Shaggy Dog is a very long joke, told with tempo and patena that builds and builds ... that leaves one groaning, and then smiling when it ends. Isaac Asimov, who wrote a classic about the essence of humor several years ago, attributes the genre to the one about the bum who returns a shaggy dog to a millionaire in order to collect a reward. (I'll save you all the gory details and skip directly to the Punch Line: "My dog was not that shaggy."
I'm particularly fond of the Shaggy Dog about the Jewish son who decides to send his Mother a Yiddish-speaking parrot for her birthday. It is one of the only jokes I know of that contains a double punch-line. Here 'tis:
"Momma! Did you get the bird?"
"Yes, Marvin. It was delicious!"
"Momma! Don't tell me you cooked the parrot. It was a gift to you, it cost me a Thousand Bucks and, by the way, it spoke Yiddish!"
"So why didn't he say something?"
OY! Cite: Jerry Levy.
Parrots are funny. So are otters, seals, penguins, oysters, and Sarah Palin.
The task for me in 2011? How can I amalgamate all of these into one good joke?
By the way, here's a definition of an "Oyster."
It's a person who laces Yiddish idioms into most of his conversations.
Ouch, Oy! and Happy New Year!
Friday, December 31, 2010
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Believe This ...
Donald W. Davis Was A True American Hero
In a recent post, I raised a proposition:
What would Don Davis think of weasel American corporations which add payroll outside of the USA to the detriment of the American economy.
For those who don't recognize the name, Donald W. Davis was the long-time chairman and CEO of The Stanley Works, the iconic manufacturer of high-quality hand tools. During Don Davis' tenure, Stanley Works recorded billion-dollar profits. It employed some 20,000 plant employees, among that number a sales force who ensured American builders and do-it-yourselfers could get their hands on quality tools to perform quality jobs.
Davis built Stanley around the observation that do-it-yourselfers (such as yours-truly) would gladly spend their hard-earned bucks on quality tools that produced a professional result.
His genius, furthermore, was embedded in his belief that the workers who manufactured and sold Stanley tools lived in a community and that the community would prosper as a result of their productiveness: prosperous employees are loyal and productive employees, and thus are the bedrock to the success of the company.
New Britain, Connecticut served as the HQ of The Stanley Works during Davis' stewardship -- the company was one of the original members of the NYSE with its listing as "S" -- and its factories (granted, the plant was ancient by modern manufacturing standards) hummed nearly round-the-clock. Employees were mostly unionized -- Davis wasn't bothered by this.
He encouraged them to buy Stanley stock (most did) as further investment in "our company."
As further testament to his community involvement and engagement, Davis enrolled his six children -- three-and-three -- in New Britain's Public Schools System. And to control the company's bottom line as it pertained to providing employee health insurance, Davis served as chairman of the New Britain General Hospital Board of Trustees where he could ride herd on the doctors and the administrators.
Make no mistake: Don Davis was a true American Capitalist. Stanley Works thrived during his tenure and so did its work force, and by economic ripple effect, so did the entire state of Connecticut.
Members of my family worked for and subsequently retired from The Stanley Works.
I, however, had the distinct pleasure to caddy for him from time-to-time when he played a round of golf at the Shuttle Meadow Country Club. By my recollection, he wasn't that good on the course...
But years later, during one of my professional lives, I had an opportunity to serve Don Davis yet again when an association I worked with developed legislation that prevented The Stanley Works from being acquired by a competitor through hostile take-over.
At some point during the strategy session on how to gain support for this bill, someone asked Davis why it was so important for The Stanley Works to prevail on the matter.
The short answer was: losing The Stanley Works would destroy New Britain and its major work force. By extension, losing would weaken the state's overall economy and its prestige as a manufacturing center.
Don Davis believed that the employees of The Stanley Works were that company's most-valuable asset. If they prospered, so would their community and his company.
Anyone out there in corporate America talking that kind of talk today?
The corporate weasels who invest in foreign jobs to the detriment of American workers -- and our communities -- ought to pay attention to the life and times and successes of Don Davis.
Postscript: Donald W. Davis succumbed to lymphoma last September, at the age of 89.
In a recent post, I raised a proposition:
What would Don Davis think of weasel American corporations which add payroll outside of the USA to the detriment of the American economy.
For those who don't recognize the name, Donald W. Davis was the long-time chairman and CEO of The Stanley Works, the iconic manufacturer of high-quality hand tools. During Don Davis' tenure, Stanley Works recorded billion-dollar profits. It employed some 20,000 plant employees, among that number a sales force who ensured American builders and do-it-yourselfers could get their hands on quality tools to perform quality jobs.
Davis built Stanley around the observation that do-it-yourselfers (such as yours-truly) would gladly spend their hard-earned bucks on quality tools that produced a professional result.
His genius, furthermore, was embedded in his belief that the workers who manufactured and sold Stanley tools lived in a community and that the community would prosper as a result of their productiveness: prosperous employees are loyal and productive employees, and thus are the bedrock to the success of the company.
New Britain, Connecticut served as the HQ of The Stanley Works during Davis' stewardship -- the company was one of the original members of the NYSE with its listing as "S" -- and its factories (granted, the plant was ancient by modern manufacturing standards) hummed nearly round-the-clock. Employees were mostly unionized -- Davis wasn't bothered by this.
He encouraged them to buy Stanley stock (most did) as further investment in "our company."
As further testament to his community involvement and engagement, Davis enrolled his six children -- three-and-three -- in New Britain's Public Schools System. And to control the company's bottom line as it pertained to providing employee health insurance, Davis served as chairman of the New Britain General Hospital Board of Trustees where he could ride herd on the doctors and the administrators.
Make no mistake: Don Davis was a true American Capitalist. Stanley Works thrived during his tenure and so did its work force, and by economic ripple effect, so did the entire state of Connecticut.
Members of my family worked for and subsequently retired from The Stanley Works.
I, however, had the distinct pleasure to caddy for him from time-to-time when he played a round of golf at the Shuttle Meadow Country Club. By my recollection, he wasn't that good on the course...
But years later, during one of my professional lives, I had an opportunity to serve Don Davis yet again when an association I worked with developed legislation that prevented The Stanley Works from being acquired by a competitor through hostile take-over.
At some point during the strategy session on how to gain support for this bill, someone asked Davis why it was so important for The Stanley Works to prevail on the matter.
The short answer was: losing The Stanley Works would destroy New Britain and its major work force. By extension, losing would weaken the state's overall economy and its prestige as a manufacturing center.
Don Davis believed that the employees of The Stanley Works were that company's most-valuable asset. If they prospered, so would their community and his company.
Anyone out there in corporate America talking that kind of talk today?
The corporate weasels who invest in foreign jobs to the detriment of American workers -- and our communities -- ought to pay attention to the life and times and successes of Don Davis.
Postscript: Donald W. Davis succumbed to lymphoma last September, at the age of 89.
You're Not Going To Believe This!
Corporate Weasels Add Jobs Overseas
I'm mad as Hell today and it has nothing to do with the weather, my health, finances, or the status of relationships -- all of which are just fine thank-you-very much.
My foul mood has everything to do with a story moved by the AP about how US companies are hiring overseas.
Seems as though Caterpillar International, UPS and a host of other American companies have, and will continue to add, payroll in Germany and elsewhere despite the fact that they are enjoying near-record corporate profits and healthy stock performance. One expert quoted in the article maintains that, if American companies invested in building US payrolls to meet world-wide product market demands, the US unemployment rate could have been reduced to 8.9%!
Here's the Money Quote: "There's a huge difference between what is good for American companies versus what is good for the American economy." So says Robert Scott, senior international economist with the Economic Policy Institute.
Well, now...
If you're one of the millions of Americans who has invested time to learn a trade such as machine-tool, industrial design & drafting, manufacturing & engineering, injection moulding, metals fabrication, assembly, and product distribution: How Do You Like Those Apples?
If you're anything like me, you'd feel betrayed.
Just who are these executives and directors who place corporate profit ahead of their corporate brand and the welfare of America's working men and women? What can they possibly be thinking?
Your answers to these questions are undoubtedly better than mine, but here's the point: America, and the general welfare of Americans, no longer counts for a whit by their way of thinking. Keep in mind that these corporate weasels specifically benefited from recent tax legislation by boo-hooing to anyone who would listen that jobs -- American Jobs! -- would be the end result of extending their tax breaks!
I wonder what a Real American Capitalist-Hero such as Don Davis would have thought about these scoundrels.
I'm mad as Hell today and it has nothing to do with the weather, my health, finances, or the status of relationships -- all of which are just fine thank-you-very much.
My foul mood has everything to do with a story moved by the AP about how US companies are hiring overseas.
Seems as though Caterpillar International, UPS and a host of other American companies have, and will continue to add, payroll in Germany and elsewhere despite the fact that they are enjoying near-record corporate profits and healthy stock performance. One expert quoted in the article maintains that, if American companies invested in building US payrolls to meet world-wide product market demands, the US unemployment rate could have been reduced to 8.9%!
Here's the Money Quote: "There's a huge difference between what is good for American companies versus what is good for the American economy." So says Robert Scott, senior international economist with the Economic Policy Institute.
Well, now...
If you're one of the millions of Americans who has invested time to learn a trade such as machine-tool, industrial design & drafting, manufacturing & engineering, injection moulding, metals fabrication, assembly, and product distribution: How Do You Like Those Apples?
If you're anything like me, you'd feel betrayed.
Just who are these executives and directors who place corporate profit ahead of their corporate brand and the welfare of America's working men and women? What can they possibly be thinking?
Your answers to these questions are undoubtedly better than mine, but here's the point: America, and the general welfare of Americans, no longer counts for a whit by their way of thinking. Keep in mind that these corporate weasels specifically benefited from recent tax legislation by boo-hooing to anyone who would listen that jobs -- American Jobs! -- would be the end result of extending their tax breaks!
I wonder what a Real American Capitalist-Hero such as Don Davis would have thought about these scoundrels.
Best CD Ever (IMHO)
An Appreciation of Phil Coulter's Lake of Shadows At Year's End
One of my passions happens to be Irish Folk Music. Hearing the pipe, tin whistle, curragh drum, spoons, harp and guitar that underscore wonderful lyrics has always brought a smile to my face, and peace to my spirit.
Everyone deserves a little lift of the spirits at this time of the year and there is no better elixir for the blues and the blahs than listening to some fine Irish music.
Great Irish musicians know how to tell stories that capture a mix of joy and pathos. There is none better than Phil Coulter.
His Lake of Shadows is a masterpiece. It's a seventy-minute tribute to simplicity and complexity. It has touched my soul.
Lake of Shadows deals with a pair of tragedies that the Fates had dealt to Phil, and his family, in the vicinity of Lough Swilley, one of the fjord-like incursions that grace the Northern Irish Coast in County Donegal. I won't share with you exactly what happened there, because it's worth your while to discover them for yourself, but I can say that these two tragic events had a profound and lengthy impact upon Coulter and his song-writing.
Lake of Shadows was and is his way of finding meaning behind a pair of inexplicable, senseless and reconcilable losses. His music allowed him to gain a sense of reconciliation.
To whet appetites for what Phil has to say, here just a few haunting words that set the tone of his CD:
" ... I often think about you ... this place is not the same without you ... "
By the way, you won't hear Phil's voice until the very last song on his CD. You will, however, hear the voice of Liam Neesen and those of other famous Irishmen and Irish women add their rather brilliant interpretations to Phil's sweeping scores.
Once you listen to how Phil scores his masterpieces, tears are sure to flow. Mine did, and, hopefully, so will yours.
As we come to the ending days of this rather dismal year, let's keep in-mind and, somehow, come to appreciate the fact that we all carry the baggage and the scars of our losses. It's not their weight that counts, it's how we deal with them despite the certainty that, oftentimes, we don't know how to, nor do we want to, come to terms with them.
After being enveloped into Lake of Shadows, any burden will be lessened.
One of my passions happens to be Irish Folk Music. Hearing the pipe, tin whistle, curragh drum, spoons, harp and guitar that underscore wonderful lyrics has always brought a smile to my face, and peace to my spirit.
Everyone deserves a little lift of the spirits at this time of the year and there is no better elixir for the blues and the blahs than listening to some fine Irish music.
Great Irish musicians know how to tell stories that capture a mix of joy and pathos. There is none better than Phil Coulter.
His Lake of Shadows is a masterpiece. It's a seventy-minute tribute to simplicity and complexity. It has touched my soul.
Lake of Shadows deals with a pair of tragedies that the Fates had dealt to Phil, and his family, in the vicinity of Lough Swilley, one of the fjord-like incursions that grace the Northern Irish Coast in County Donegal. I won't share with you exactly what happened there, because it's worth your while to discover them for yourself, but I can say that these two tragic events had a profound and lengthy impact upon Coulter and his song-writing.
Lake of Shadows was and is his way of finding meaning behind a pair of inexplicable, senseless and reconcilable losses. His music allowed him to gain a sense of reconciliation.
To whet appetites for what Phil has to say, here just a few haunting words that set the tone of his CD:
" ... I often think about you ... this place is not the same without you ... "
By the way, you won't hear Phil's voice until the very last song on his CD. You will, however, hear the voice of Liam Neesen and those of other famous Irishmen and Irish women add their rather brilliant interpretations to Phil's sweeping scores.
Once you listen to how Phil scores his masterpieces, tears are sure to flow. Mine did, and, hopefully, so will yours.
As we come to the ending days of this rather dismal year, let's keep in-mind and, somehow, come to appreciate the fact that we all carry the baggage and the scars of our losses. It's not their weight that counts, it's how we deal with them despite the certainty that, oftentimes, we don't know how to, nor do we want to, come to terms with them.
After being enveloped into Lake of Shadows, any burden will be lessened.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)