The wonderful RNs who care for me during my chemotherapy treatments have -- all of them! -- a great sense of humor.
Not a day goes by when one RN or another either: (a) tells a patient going through treatment the latest joke she's heard (always clean); or (b) solicits new material (sometimes not so clean.)
And so it happened that I was sitting in their Treatment Room one early recent Monday morning, passing time watching the first of three drip bags drain into my veins, when Amanda and Judy -- while attending to their other nursely routines -- casually engaged themselves in pleasant conversation, trying to recall the name of the comedian best known for the gag line "Take my wife -- Please!"
Why they engaged in this inquiry is beyond my comprehension, but whatever, I guess this particular gag line came to the surface during a recent coffee break.
Who can say?
Regardless, and due to the fact that they were getting no closer than remembering that the comedian's name started with the letter "H," I decided to help them.
"The name you want is Henny Youngman," I said.
I sensed enlightened relief in their eyes.
I saw them smile.
I also sensed that I had started something ...
Judy (imitating Henny): "My wife asked me to take her to a place where she had never been before."
Amanda (imitating Pee Wee Herman): "So I said to my wife ..."
Together: "Try going out to the kitchen!"
DISCLAIMER #1: This routine was performed by a couple of professional women who probably have more degrees, collectively, than a thermometer. END OF DISCLAIMER.
Patricia and Connie, a couple of the other RNs who were tidying up the treatment room before "The Rush," just shook their heads in comradely disbelief.
Connie poked me on my shoulder: "See what you've started? Good thing you're the only patient in the room!"
Indeed. A routine exclusively performed for me.
So ...
Here's to the one and the only, Henny Youngman.
Back in his day, Henny was renowned as The King of the One-Liners -- a title bestowed upon him by the legendary New York entertainment columnist Walter Winchell.
He was the master of gags structured in 30 words or less: and the shorter the better as exemplified by the skit performed by Amanda and Judy.
Today, alas, the one-liner, comic art form has gone the way of the Dodo Bird. Rodney Dangerfield was probably its last well-known practitioner.
Youngman was also famous for building gags around the patient-doctor relationship. Patient visits doctor for heart disease? Diabetes? Depression? Pick your shtick. Henny poked fun at them all.
Which got me to thinking: what if Henny was bound-and-determined to mine humor if the subject matter just happened to be lymphoma?
How would he structure his material and, most important, where would he "draw the line?"
DISCLAIMER #2: I can get away with this: I have lymphoma.
Herewith, five (5) Henny Youngman- inspired gags which, I hope, do no disservice to the memory of the Baron of the Borscht Belt.
1. "My blood count is so low mosquitoes don't even waste their time with me."
2. "The doctor told me I didn't have shingles: said I had a case of industrial-grade roofing."
3. "I went into the bar and ordered a beer. Bartender said, 'you want it in a cold glass, or in a Drip Bag?"
4. "A guy noticed bruises all over my stomach and chest at the beach the other day. 'How did you get those,' he asked, 'rough sex?' I said: 'I wish!'"
5. "The doctor hired a new RN, a former Playboy Bunny. She tried to draw some blood from my arm, but she said she couldn't find a throbbing vein. I told her she was checking the wrong part of my body."
DISCLAIMER #3: I promise not to quit my Day Job...
Friday, May 27, 2011
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Lambs Led To Slaughter
Several people I know of are resorting to Day Trading to make ends meet.
From dawn to dusk, their Lap Tops monitor all kinds of activity going on in the equities market. When they detect a market trend, they hit a key on their computer to either (a) Buy a stock, or (b) Unload their shares.
All kinds of software and other "market tools" have been designed to give them an edge, allowing them the luxury of playing the stock market from the quiet and the comfort of their own homes. They even have their own Gurus.
I have never, ever, been one of those "snoops" who inquire, out of catty curiosity, whether or not any of them make real money by engaging themselves in day trading: It's their money and it's their business and I only wish them much success.
Yet, every week or so, someone asks me why I don't get involved in "investing."
Adhering to my "anti-snooping rule," I deflect the inquiry -- converting it into a subsequent conversation about the success (or lack thereof) of the Boston Red Sox, or some such other matter of trivial consequence.
What I really feel like telling them is this: I would rather be staked out, stark-naked, on a Fire Ant Hill with honey smeared on my you-know-whats, than spend most of my waking hours staring at Wall Street trend lines streaming acronyms, in red and green codes, across my computer screen.
The other day, I ran into the "someone" I mentioned earlier. He appeared to be pretty glum -- so glum, in fact, that it was actually he who wanted to talk about baseball. I had every reason to believe that he was being beaten in the Stock Market like a Himalayan Mountain Gong.
Then, very early the following morning and by sheer coincidence, I happened to tune in to a BBC broadcast -- one which shed much light on any Day Trader's anxiety. According to the BBC account, the equities markets are being manipulated by the Usual Suspects: investment bankers, large brokerage houses, hedge fund managers, and the speculators.
The BBC made it all appear to be very clear: the Commodities and Futures Markets are becoming very, very attractive to these High Rollers.
QED: by shifting their investments into commodities / futures such as corn, wheat, oil, cotton, truck crops, and basic raw materials such as copper, the High Rollers can double their money in months!
Ergo: why should they keep their investments tied up on equities, especially when yields derived from the Stock Market are at an all-time low?
Problem is, the High Rollers have been manipulating the commodities / futures markets for several years now -- which explains why the costs for commodities such as grain and fossil fuel (to cite just a couple of examples) have more than doubled since 2008.
Of course, wheat farmers in Kansas are as Happy as Clams. But what about the local guy who owns the Bagel / Doughnut Shop? While our Kansas farmer can acquire a whole new fleet of combines (and maybe have enough left over to buy a condo in Aruba for straight cash) our Bagel Guy is compelled to almost double his prices -- or close his shop.
Then there is this matter: did you ever wonder about the prime reason why the "Arab Street" is raging in places such as Egypt, Tunisia, Libya, and Bahrain? The good folk there are paying through the proverbial nose for one of the staples in their diet: wheat.
By the way, the wheat they rely upon is grown in Kansas...
It's simple to point a finger at all of this mess and blame the astronomical rise in commodities on "market forces" such as The Law of Supply & Demand.
According to the BBC, however, there are more sinister and complex forces at-play. The High Rollers have ginned the economics on both sides of the Supply / Demand equation.
By diverting Billions of Dollars into the Commodities / Futures Markets (think grain futures), they can gain control of how much grain is grown -- and then control the price of the grain once it's harvested and delivered to the market.
In short, the High Roller gets two bites off of the commodities/ futures apple while my Day Trading pal gets blood-shot eyes while he keeps tabs on the Big Board for a hint of opportunity.
I have nothing more to say about this other than: I get the feeling that the High Rollers are acting immorally -- if not illegally.
Perhaps Barney Frank and Bernie Sanders can come up with some deterrents...
I, for one, will drive over to the Farmers' Market and get a couple of Big Boys.
At least I'll be supporting a local, sustainable economy -- one which I fully understand.
Well, sort of ...
From dawn to dusk, their Lap Tops monitor all kinds of activity going on in the equities market. When they detect a market trend, they hit a key on their computer to either (a) Buy a stock, or (b) Unload their shares.
All kinds of software and other "market tools" have been designed to give them an edge, allowing them the luxury of playing the stock market from the quiet and the comfort of their own homes. They even have their own Gurus.
I have never, ever, been one of those "snoops" who inquire, out of catty curiosity, whether or not any of them make real money by engaging themselves in day trading: It's their money and it's their business and I only wish them much success.
Yet, every week or so, someone asks me why I don't get involved in "investing."
Adhering to my "anti-snooping rule," I deflect the inquiry -- converting it into a subsequent conversation about the success (or lack thereof) of the Boston Red Sox, or some such other matter of trivial consequence.
What I really feel like telling them is this: I would rather be staked out, stark-naked, on a Fire Ant Hill with honey smeared on my you-know-whats, than spend most of my waking hours staring at Wall Street trend lines streaming acronyms, in red and green codes, across my computer screen.
The other day, I ran into the "someone" I mentioned earlier. He appeared to be pretty glum -- so glum, in fact, that it was actually he who wanted to talk about baseball. I had every reason to believe that he was being beaten in the Stock Market like a Himalayan Mountain Gong.
Then, very early the following morning and by sheer coincidence, I happened to tune in to a BBC broadcast -- one which shed much light on any Day Trader's anxiety. According to the BBC account, the equities markets are being manipulated by the Usual Suspects: investment bankers, large brokerage houses, hedge fund managers, and the speculators.
The BBC made it all appear to be very clear: the Commodities and Futures Markets are becoming very, very attractive to these High Rollers.
QED: by shifting their investments into commodities / futures such as corn, wheat, oil, cotton, truck crops, and basic raw materials such as copper, the High Rollers can double their money in months!
Ergo: why should they keep their investments tied up on equities, especially when yields derived from the Stock Market are at an all-time low?
Problem is, the High Rollers have been manipulating the commodities / futures markets for several years now -- which explains why the costs for commodities such as grain and fossil fuel (to cite just a couple of examples) have more than doubled since 2008.
Of course, wheat farmers in Kansas are as Happy as Clams. But what about the local guy who owns the Bagel / Doughnut Shop? While our Kansas farmer can acquire a whole new fleet of combines (and maybe have enough left over to buy a condo in Aruba for straight cash) our Bagel Guy is compelled to almost double his prices -- or close his shop.
Then there is this matter: did you ever wonder about the prime reason why the "Arab Street" is raging in places such as Egypt, Tunisia, Libya, and Bahrain? The good folk there are paying through the proverbial nose for one of the staples in their diet: wheat.
By the way, the wheat they rely upon is grown in Kansas...
It's simple to point a finger at all of this mess and blame the astronomical rise in commodities on "market forces" such as The Law of Supply & Demand.
According to the BBC, however, there are more sinister and complex forces at-play. The High Rollers have ginned the economics on both sides of the Supply / Demand equation.
By diverting Billions of Dollars into the Commodities / Futures Markets (think grain futures), they can gain control of how much grain is grown -- and then control the price of the grain once it's harvested and delivered to the market.
In short, the High Roller gets two bites off of the commodities/ futures apple while my Day Trading pal gets blood-shot eyes while he keeps tabs on the Big Board for a hint of opportunity.
I have nothing more to say about this other than: I get the feeling that the High Rollers are acting immorally -- if not illegally.
Perhaps Barney Frank and Bernie Sanders can come up with some deterrents...
I, for one, will drive over to the Farmers' Market and get a couple of Big Boys.
At least I'll be supporting a local, sustainable economy -- one which I fully understand.
Well, sort of ...
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Miracles Happen Indeed
Something happened this week that I never thought would ever occur.
Queen Elizabeth II embarked on a four-day trip to Ireland, becoming the first British Monarch to visit there in a Hundred Years, since the reign of her grandfather, King George V.
The mere concept of Her Royal Highness touring a country where the anguish of The Troubles is still felt in some quarters boggles the mind.
Memories of the Croak Park Massacre, Bloody Sunday, the Black and Tans, wide-spread and intergenerational sectarian violence, and summary executions of the leaders of the Easter Rebellion are events embedded into Irish DNA.
From a British perspective, equally embittering, the murder of Lord Louis Mountbatten by the IRA was inexcusable. Montbatten was arguably England's greatest hero from World War II, the father of commando raids that crippled Nazi shipyard facilities. Later, Lord Louis became the chief British architect of India's and Pakistan's Independence and withdrawal from the British Empire.
Montbatten happened to be Elizabeth II's uncle.
The IRA also murdered scores of British soldiers who found themselves stationed in Northern Ireland at the height of the most-recent round of The Troubles -- and the Provisional IRA's bombed rail targets in London, acts which claimed scores of innocent lives.
None of these act -- and countless more -- endeared the English People to the Irish.
But the Madness had to stop ... and it did when Sinn Fein (always pereceived to be the political arm of the IRA) sat down with their Protestant counterparts in the late 1990s to agree to a Peace & Power-Sharing Agreement brokered by the brilliant former US Senator, George Mitchell.
If Stormont set this week's unprecedented and historic trip into motion, we thank you, Senator!
The significance of the Queen's visit cannot be underestimated.
Where English monarchs of the past went to Ireland as sovern conquerors, demanding of the Irish People outright loyalty and allegiance to to Crown, Elizabeth II arrived as a guest of the Irish government.
The irony of her royal jet landing at the Roger Casement Military Air Base just outside Dublin also cannot be overlooked: the British executed Roger Casement for high treason; he was hanged in 1916 for his role in the Easter Rebellion.
Be this as it may, I'm proud of the fact that the Irish are now willing and able to put aside their long-standing differences with the English and move beyond the pain of past injustice.
The way I see it, the Queen's visit has given the Irish what they sought all along over the years -- and by years, I mean back to the 17th Century.
From those days until these, Irishmen and Irishwomen wished only to be treated with all due respect, as equals to be left alone to pursue their unique concepts of freedom, destiny, dream, heritage, and national identity.
Queen Elizabeth's brief visit is a significant indication that Ireland has finally attained the respect it deserves.
Queen Elizabeth II embarked on a four-day trip to Ireland, becoming the first British Monarch to visit there in a Hundred Years, since the reign of her grandfather, King George V.
The mere concept of Her Royal Highness touring a country where the anguish of The Troubles is still felt in some quarters boggles the mind.
Memories of the Croak Park Massacre, Bloody Sunday, the Black and Tans, wide-spread and intergenerational sectarian violence, and summary executions of the leaders of the Easter Rebellion are events embedded into Irish DNA.
From a British perspective, equally embittering, the murder of Lord Louis Mountbatten by the IRA was inexcusable. Montbatten was arguably England's greatest hero from World War II, the father of commando raids that crippled Nazi shipyard facilities. Later, Lord Louis became the chief British architect of India's and Pakistan's Independence and withdrawal from the British Empire.
Montbatten happened to be Elizabeth II's uncle.
The IRA also murdered scores of British soldiers who found themselves stationed in Northern Ireland at the height of the most-recent round of The Troubles -- and the Provisional IRA's bombed rail targets in London, acts which claimed scores of innocent lives.
None of these act -- and countless more -- endeared the English People to the Irish.
But the Madness had to stop ... and it did when Sinn Fein (always pereceived to be the political arm of the IRA) sat down with their Protestant counterparts in the late 1990s to agree to a Peace & Power-Sharing Agreement brokered by the brilliant former US Senator, George Mitchell.
If Stormont set this week's unprecedented and historic trip into motion, we thank you, Senator!
The significance of the Queen's visit cannot be underestimated.
Where English monarchs of the past went to Ireland as sovern conquerors, demanding of the Irish People outright loyalty and allegiance to to Crown, Elizabeth II arrived as a guest of the Irish government.
The irony of her royal jet landing at the Roger Casement Military Air Base just outside Dublin also cannot be overlooked: the British executed Roger Casement for high treason; he was hanged in 1916 for his role in the Easter Rebellion.
Be this as it may, I'm proud of the fact that the Irish are now willing and able to put aside their long-standing differences with the English and move beyond the pain of past injustice.
The way I see it, the Queen's visit has given the Irish what they sought all along over the years -- and by years, I mean back to the 17th Century.
From those days until these, Irishmen and Irishwomen wished only to be treated with all due respect, as equals to be left alone to pursue their unique concepts of freedom, destiny, dream, heritage, and national identity.
Queen Elizabeth's brief visit is a significant indication that Ireland has finally attained the respect it deserves.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
An Idea Whose Time Has Come...
An opinion piece in the paper about security in our public schools recently caught my eye.
Our local sheriff is of the opinion that a Police Presence is necessary in order to maintain school discipline and student - teacher safety in the classroom.
You see, in the area in which I reside, police officers handcuff kids, behind their backs, on school grounds and then transport them to a much-stricter form of detention for commiting crimes such as assault, weapons possession, and drug dealing on-campus.
Police intervention is also imposed when students "act out" by threatening their teachers and / or classmates or when they "flip out" with profanity-laced tirades aimed at anyone in a position of authority.
The sheriff makes the case that instances such as these are as common as students chewing gum in class, or passing each other notes.
I agree with the sheriff's thinking on this matter, but to a degree. A uniformed deputy or three, stationed on campus, might go a long way in disuading any would-be student criminal or mischief-maker from disrupting everybody else's life on campus.
If the academic climate is as poor, and the lack of discipline in our public schools is as bad, as the sheriff alleges, however, would the mere presence of uniformed law enforcement personnel on campus provide an adequate deterrent?
You'll have to excuse me, but I don't think so.
To really, really grab hold of this problem and then, as a consequence, resolve it requires a much more thoughtful and pragmatic approach than the one proposed by the sheriff.
Serious resolution calls for implementing serious methodology.
It is, therefore, incumbent upon me to fully recommend the following: let the School Board select the "Worst School in the County" and then hand it over to a certain Organization I've recently read about for a full academic year -- with no strings attached.
Of course, the Organization I have in-mind is SEAL Team Six.
What better unit could possibly instill discipline within students? Give them a sense of purpose, pursuit of excellence, love of country, respect for authority, bravery in the face of adversity, and complete dedication to the tasks at-hand?
Think about this one: can a group who figured out how to raid a certain "walled residence" in Abbotabad, by studying floor plans in-detail, instill upon some high school kids the importance of doing their "homework?"
Aren't these exactly the attributes that we expect our children to develop through their education in the first place, in order for them to lead full, successful and meaningful lives?
I trust you'll agree: who better to provide such instruction than the members of SEAL Team Six?
Here's how I'd set it all up:
The SEALS would be tasked with managing every element of the school's operations, from curriculum and cafeteria, to discipline and dress code.
The Whole Enchelada.
Kid fails to hand in Math homework? Hundred laps around the track carrying a non-operable M-14.
Skip class? How about a few hours sitting out there in the middle of the Football Field, rain or shine, inside a SEAL-built, chain-link Doggie Kennel?
Little Suzie gets caught "texting" her boy friend during History Class? Suzie & boy friend do 500 knuckle push-ups in gym -- each, that is, before they take their "Hundred" around the track and then spend rest of day in Doggie Kennel.
Then there is the trivial matter of the Bullies, the 'Hoods, and the Krips who think they own the Turf. If and when they start acting up, they'll discover that SEALs are quite capable of rendering new and unique meanings to the word "Intimidate."
Finally, anything grade less than B- in any subject area would be deemed to be unacceptable by the SEALS. Academic slackers would be "required" to spend as much time in tutorials / study halls as needed in order to get their grades up to the SEAL grade minimum.
The duration and intensity of this tutorial / study hall method, of course, would be left up to the SEALs. It's the end result we're all looking for.
Naturally, some admin types and a few teachers and parents will sceam Bloody Murder if this ever happened.
But I have a hunch they'll all come around after a full briefing on the Plan from members of SEAL Team Three, who I am led to understand are a group that makes the Hell's Angels look like Willy & Kate's Wedding Party.
So... what do you say?
Ready to infuse some real discipline and learning in our public schools?
Our local sheriff is of the opinion that a Police Presence is necessary in order to maintain school discipline and student - teacher safety in the classroom.
You see, in the area in which I reside, police officers handcuff kids, behind their backs, on school grounds and then transport them to a much-stricter form of detention for commiting crimes such as assault, weapons possession, and drug dealing on-campus.
Police intervention is also imposed when students "act out" by threatening their teachers and / or classmates or when they "flip out" with profanity-laced tirades aimed at anyone in a position of authority.
The sheriff makes the case that instances such as these are as common as students chewing gum in class, or passing each other notes.
I agree with the sheriff's thinking on this matter, but to a degree. A uniformed deputy or three, stationed on campus, might go a long way in disuading any would-be student criminal or mischief-maker from disrupting everybody else's life on campus.
If the academic climate is as poor, and the lack of discipline in our public schools is as bad, as the sheriff alleges, however, would the mere presence of uniformed law enforcement personnel on campus provide an adequate deterrent?
You'll have to excuse me, but I don't think so.
To really, really grab hold of this problem and then, as a consequence, resolve it requires a much more thoughtful and pragmatic approach than the one proposed by the sheriff.
Serious resolution calls for implementing serious methodology.
It is, therefore, incumbent upon me to fully recommend the following: let the School Board select the "Worst School in the County" and then hand it over to a certain Organization I've recently read about for a full academic year -- with no strings attached.
Of course, the Organization I have in-mind is SEAL Team Six.
What better unit could possibly instill discipline within students? Give them a sense of purpose, pursuit of excellence, love of country, respect for authority, bravery in the face of adversity, and complete dedication to the tasks at-hand?
Think about this one: can a group who figured out how to raid a certain "walled residence" in Abbotabad, by studying floor plans in-detail, instill upon some high school kids the importance of doing their "homework?"
Aren't these exactly the attributes that we expect our children to develop through their education in the first place, in order for them to lead full, successful and meaningful lives?
I trust you'll agree: who better to provide such instruction than the members of SEAL Team Six?
Here's how I'd set it all up:
The SEALS would be tasked with managing every element of the school's operations, from curriculum and cafeteria, to discipline and dress code.
The Whole Enchelada.
Kid fails to hand in Math homework? Hundred laps around the track carrying a non-operable M-14.
Skip class? How about a few hours sitting out there in the middle of the Football Field, rain or shine, inside a SEAL-built, chain-link Doggie Kennel?
Little Suzie gets caught "texting" her boy friend during History Class? Suzie & boy friend do 500 knuckle push-ups in gym -- each, that is, before they take their "Hundred" around the track and then spend rest of day in Doggie Kennel.
Then there is the trivial matter of the Bullies, the 'Hoods, and the Krips who think they own the Turf. If and when they start acting up, they'll discover that SEALs are quite capable of rendering new and unique meanings to the word "Intimidate."
Finally, anything grade less than B- in any subject area would be deemed to be unacceptable by the SEALS. Academic slackers would be "required" to spend as much time in tutorials / study halls as needed in order to get their grades up to the SEAL grade minimum.
The duration and intensity of this tutorial / study hall method, of course, would be left up to the SEALs. It's the end result we're all looking for.
Naturally, some admin types and a few teachers and parents will sceam Bloody Murder if this ever happened.
But I have a hunch they'll all come around after a full briefing on the Plan from members of SEAL Team Three, who I am led to understand are a group that makes the Hell's Angels look like Willy & Kate's Wedding Party.
So... what do you say?
Ready to infuse some real discipline and learning in our public schools?
Friday, May 6, 2011
Tallahassee Zany
For your analysis and dinner-table discussion, here are a handful of stories about legislation signed by Rick Scott which you will never, ever read about in your local family newspaper.
Let us begin the reportage with a touching gesture engineered, with the governor's tacit blessing, by the lobbyists for the United Shepherds of America.
They almost got the Florida Legislature to designate the Abyssinian Billy Goat as the Official Florida State Animal.
The United Shepherds made a few significant PAC contributions to Scott plus several prominent Neo-Cons, who subsequently slipped an amendment regarding Abyssinian Billy Goats into legislation that resets the limit of alcohol in a person suspected of Driving Under The Influence (DUI) from 0.8 to 1/4th the square root of Pi.
As it came to pass, a legal sharp-shooter from the powerful Florida chapter of the United Cattlemen's Association caught wind and the bill was tabled -- only after the Cattlemen pledged to double the PAC contribution to Scott and the Neo-Con Cause.
Added incentive: the Cattlemen offered to run the Shepherds out of the state, at no-charge.
The DUI measure lived on, however. It was added as an amendment to pending legislation concerning Crawling Under The Influence (CUI). The legal booze limit was set to be 1/3rd the square root of Pi.
A last-minute effort to amend the state's new Anti-Beastiality Law had fallen fallow.
As everyone knows, Florida leads the Western World in the number of instances of "indescribable and incomprehensible, illicit and lascivious human contact with animals," which, for years, had been an extreme embarrassment and Sore Point with the Evangelicals and Neo-Cons.
The last-minute clarification was apparently offered by a Conservative lawmaker from the Panhandle, who had somehow mis-read the bill's title and who, consequently, arrived at the conclusion that this piece of legislation had something to do with Breasts.
The amendment would have accomplished a couple of things -- if it had been added to the bill:
#1. it would have required women to prove that they, in fact, actually have breasts before they can be legally married in the State of Florida;
#2. it would have imposed a $2,000.00 fine on any minister who knowingly and willfully aided and abetted the marriage of anyone without breasts in the Great State of Florida, it being the case that at least one member of the party to Sacred Union having Breasts thereto.
Devoid of this amendment, Florida now becomes the newest and latest State in the Union to designate, by law, beastiality as a crime.
Due to the rampant nature of criminal activity on this account, Scott and the legislature, in their infinite wisdom, appropriated $17 Million from the State Treasury for enforcement purposes.
This revenue will be transferred from the WIC Fund.
Let us begin the reportage with a touching gesture engineered, with the governor's tacit blessing, by the lobbyists for the United Shepherds of America.
They almost got the Florida Legislature to designate the Abyssinian Billy Goat as the Official Florida State Animal.
The United Shepherds made a few significant PAC contributions to Scott plus several prominent Neo-Cons, who subsequently slipped an amendment regarding Abyssinian Billy Goats into legislation that resets the limit of alcohol in a person suspected of Driving Under The Influence (DUI) from 0.8 to 1/4th the square root of Pi.
As it came to pass, a legal sharp-shooter from the powerful Florida chapter of the United Cattlemen's Association caught wind and the bill was tabled -- only after the Cattlemen pledged to double the PAC contribution to Scott and the Neo-Con Cause.
Added incentive: the Cattlemen offered to run the Shepherds out of the state, at no-charge.
The DUI measure lived on, however. It was added as an amendment to pending legislation concerning Crawling Under The Influence (CUI). The legal booze limit was set to be 1/3rd the square root of Pi.
***********
A last-minute effort to amend the state's new Anti-Beastiality Law had fallen fallow.
As everyone knows, Florida leads the Western World in the number of instances of "indescribable and incomprehensible, illicit and lascivious human contact with animals," which, for years, had been an extreme embarrassment and Sore Point with the Evangelicals and Neo-Cons.
The last-minute clarification was apparently offered by a Conservative lawmaker from the Panhandle, who had somehow mis-read the bill's title and who, consequently, arrived at the conclusion that this piece of legislation had something to do with Breasts.
The amendment would have accomplished a couple of things -- if it had been added to the bill:
#1. it would have required women to prove that they, in fact, actually have breasts before they can be legally married in the State of Florida;
#2. it would have imposed a $2,000.00 fine on any minister who knowingly and willfully aided and abetted the marriage of anyone without breasts in the Great State of Florida, it being the case that at least one member of the party to Sacred Union having Breasts thereto.
Devoid of this amendment, Florida now becomes the newest and latest State in the Union to designate, by law, beastiality as a crime.
Due to the rampant nature of criminal activity on this account, Scott and the legislature, in their infinite wisdom, appropriated $17 Million from the State Treasury for enforcement purposes.
This revenue will be transferred from the WIC Fund.
*******************
A final piece of Legislative analysis concerns passage of a bill that grants Rick Scott full authority to call out the Florida National Guard & Reserves in order to invade a small, southeastern portion of Alabama.
Troops will be massed in mid-Summer to "take back" land in Alabama land west of Escambia County and east of Mobile Bay. Scott made the invasion a major component of his campaign last fall -- an action, Scott notes, which has the complete and unqualified support of the Tea Party Movement.
Troops will be massed in mid-Summer to "take back" land in Alabama land west of Escambia County and east of Mobile Bay. Scott made the invasion a major component of his campaign last fall -- an action, Scott notes, which has the complete and unqualified support of the Tea Party Movement.
This new Florida possession shall be named Palin County and will become home to British Petroleum's newest and latest Super Refinery.
Foot Note No. 1: Once the National Guard is battle-tested, Scott will order the troops to Baker County, where they will drive across Rte. 94 to "liberate" a sliver of far Southern Georgia. This action will fulfill another Rick Scott campaign promise: to straighten out Florida's state lines.
Foot Note No. 2: Scott is seeking Federal Funds from President Barack Obama in order to undertake these Military Operations.
Foot Note No. 3: Once Scott conquers Georgia, land will be named Pogo County. (Those under the age of 60 would be well-advised to Google the word "pogo" to learn more about this.)
Foot Note No. 4: State Rep. Flagstone C. Forhorn IV, a ninth-generation Republican from the Orlando Area, was the lone voice to speak out in opposition to the Breast Amendment. He strongly objected to the use of the word "Lascivious" in the bill, believing it was a blatant attack on Lascivious McLaughin, a little-used bench player on the Orlando Magic basketball team. Foghorn is a comp'd, season-ticket holder...
Foot Note No. 3: Once Scott conquers Georgia, land will be named Pogo County. (Those under the age of 60 would be well-advised to Google the word "pogo" to learn more about this.)
Foot Note No. 4: State Rep. Flagstone C. Forhorn IV, a ninth-generation Republican from the Orlando Area, was the lone voice to speak out in opposition to the Breast Amendment. He strongly objected to the use of the word "Lascivious" in the bill, believing it was a blatant attack on Lascivious McLaughin, a little-used bench player on the Orlando Magic basketball team. Foghorn is a comp'd, season-ticket holder...
Thursday, May 5, 2011
America Sings The Blues...
A tremendous malaise has settled across this great land of ours -- and not even the "euphoria" celebrated in some quarters regarding the demise of OBL can lift it.
America is like a car that just can't get out of The Rut.
Even more bothersome, those who we've elected to represent us, at all levels of government, have either failed a vast majority of us or they're about to do so.
I heard a longish interview on NPR recently during which the author of a book called "The Tangled Web" asserted, with full confidence, that to tell lies -- at every conceivable level of civil discourse -- is now the New American Normal.
Think Bernie Medoff ...
Having gotten the above off my chest, your humble scribe would like to shift a few gears and begin venting about the pall that presently hangs over Congress.
First, the basic rights of women are under seige -- luckily, we have a President and Senate readly, willing and able to derail this travesty.
Second, Medicaid Entitlements for the weakest members of our society are the next under attack. I cannot conceive of anything more mean-spirited than to slash the pittance-level funding maintaining the elderly, the infirmed, and the demented in their subsistence situations in nursing homes.
Did I also mention that, Third, an even worse slash-the-funding attack has been mounted by House Republicans? They're planning to cut program funding for mothers with infants next!
Think Paul Ryan ...
But enough about Capitol Hill. Let's move on to the White House.
Barack Obama was elected almost three years ago on his Campaign For Change: chief among his promises was his pledge to end the wars in Iraq and in Afghanistan.
Remember that one?
Thousands of casualties later, both countries are no closer to "Democracy" than they were 10 years ago -- plus our Nation's Treasury is just about down to its Last Dollar to pay for these wars.
Then there was Obama's Promise to Put America Back To Work -- at decent, family-supporting-wage paying occupations based upon The New Economy.
Almost three years later, the Jobless Rate still holds at nearly 10 percent -- and one in seven American Citizens is getting Food Stamps.
Where's RFK when we really, really need leadership?...
As we ponder this unpleasantness, it's on to the States!
Twenty-six of them -- mostly congregated in the South -- are heading into Federal Appeals Court in Atlanta to block implementation of the new National Health Care Plan.
It's all about States Rights, you see.
Nobody but Nobody is gonna tell Alabamans, Floridians, Mississippians, Georgians, and Taxans how to run their states, by Dog!
Nobody, that is, except Big Insurance, which is working and spending its Proverbial Ass Off to prevent affordable health care from becoming the Law of the Land.
You see, Big I covets the Status Quo -- didn't you know that it's in your best interest for Big I to maintain its Monopoly on Health Care as the exclusive Preserve for only those who can pay through the nose for it?
The lone, sane exception to this Legal Madness is the Great State of Vermont -- the first state in the Union to enact a Single Payer Health Care System. Note to the Neo-Cons: everyone in Vermont -- and I mean everyone -- likes this!
Then there are sordid matters by which state teachers, state employees, first responders, prison guards and health care providers are being pillaged for having the audacity to demand fair wages and safe working conditions for a hard day's work.
Who can blame them for threatening to leave state service, like Lemmings?
But where would they go?
There just aren't any jobs out there for them, in the Private Sector ... unless they want to fall squarely into the Biggest Neo-Con Trap of All: independent contracting with its own Badge of Honor: Tax Form 1099.
Think "The Alien" Rick Scott ...
Finally, I'm sure you're as Pissed-Purple as the next guy about the way Big Oil has ginned the gasoline pump price.
Big Oil will continue concoct all the Bazonga it wants in order to "justify" charging $5 per gallon at the pump -- and I'll let Big Oil get away with it so long as it surrenders all the Tax Breaks and pays an Excessive Profits Tax on windfall, multi-billion dollar, quarterly earnings.
One quick way to stabilize this High Act of Piracy is for Obama to announce that he's going to release about 100 million barrels of crude into the market, from the Strategic Oil Reserve.
I'm thinking Jimmy Carter on this one ...
Anyway, let's see if The Prez has the cuhones (or is it cujones?).
Is is just me, or does this Fog Bank have a tea-ish tint to it?
America is like a car that just can't get out of The Rut.
Even more bothersome, those who we've elected to represent us, at all levels of government, have either failed a vast majority of us or they're about to do so.
I heard a longish interview on NPR recently during which the author of a book called "The Tangled Web" asserted, with full confidence, that to tell lies -- at every conceivable level of civil discourse -- is now the New American Normal.
Think Bernie Medoff ...
Having gotten the above off my chest, your humble scribe would like to shift a few gears and begin venting about the pall that presently hangs over Congress.
First, the basic rights of women are under seige -- luckily, we have a President and Senate readly, willing and able to derail this travesty.
Second, Medicaid Entitlements for the weakest members of our society are the next under attack. I cannot conceive of anything more mean-spirited than to slash the pittance-level funding maintaining the elderly, the infirmed, and the demented in their subsistence situations in nursing homes.
Did I also mention that, Third, an even worse slash-the-funding attack has been mounted by House Republicans? They're planning to cut program funding for mothers with infants next!
Think Paul Ryan ...
But enough about Capitol Hill. Let's move on to the White House.
Barack Obama was elected almost three years ago on his Campaign For Change: chief among his promises was his pledge to end the wars in Iraq and in Afghanistan.
Remember that one?
Thousands of casualties later, both countries are no closer to "Democracy" than they were 10 years ago -- plus our Nation's Treasury is just about down to its Last Dollar to pay for these wars.
Then there was Obama's Promise to Put America Back To Work -- at decent, family-supporting-wage paying occupations based upon The New Economy.
Almost three years later, the Jobless Rate still holds at nearly 10 percent -- and one in seven American Citizens is getting Food Stamps.
Where's RFK when we really, really need leadership?...
As we ponder this unpleasantness, it's on to the States!
Twenty-six of them -- mostly congregated in the South -- are heading into Federal Appeals Court in Atlanta to block implementation of the new National Health Care Plan.
It's all about States Rights, you see.
Nobody but Nobody is gonna tell Alabamans, Floridians, Mississippians, Georgians, and Taxans how to run their states, by Dog!
Nobody, that is, except Big Insurance, which is working and spending its Proverbial Ass Off to prevent affordable health care from becoming the Law of the Land.
You see, Big I covets the Status Quo -- didn't you know that it's in your best interest for Big I to maintain its Monopoly on Health Care as the exclusive Preserve for only those who can pay through the nose for it?
The lone, sane exception to this Legal Madness is the Great State of Vermont -- the first state in the Union to enact a Single Payer Health Care System. Note to the Neo-Cons: everyone in Vermont -- and I mean everyone -- likes this!
Then there are sordid matters by which state teachers, state employees, first responders, prison guards and health care providers are being pillaged for having the audacity to demand fair wages and safe working conditions for a hard day's work.
Who can blame them for threatening to leave state service, like Lemmings?
But where would they go?
There just aren't any jobs out there for them, in the Private Sector ... unless they want to fall squarely into the Biggest Neo-Con Trap of All: independent contracting with its own Badge of Honor: Tax Form 1099.
Think "The Alien" Rick Scott ...
Finally, I'm sure you're as Pissed-Purple as the next guy about the way Big Oil has ginned the gasoline pump price.
Big Oil will continue concoct all the Bazonga it wants in order to "justify" charging $5 per gallon at the pump -- and I'll let Big Oil get away with it so long as it surrenders all the Tax Breaks and pays an Excessive Profits Tax on windfall, multi-billion dollar, quarterly earnings.
One quick way to stabilize this High Act of Piracy is for Obama to announce that he's going to release about 100 million barrels of crude into the market, from the Strategic Oil Reserve.
I'm thinking Jimmy Carter on this one ...
Anyway, let's see if The Prez has the cuhones (or is it cujones?).
Is is just me, or does this Fog Bank have a tea-ish tint to it?
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