Tallahassee Zany

For your analysis and dinner-table discussion, here are a handful of stories about legislation signed by Rick Scott which you will never, ever read about in your local family newspaper.

Let us begin the reportage with a touching gesture engineered, with the governor's tacit blessing, by the lobbyists for the United Shepherds of America.

They almost got the Florida Legislature to designate the Abyssinian Billy Goat as the Official Florida State Animal.

The United Shepherds made a few significant PAC contributions to Scott plus several prominent Neo-Cons, who subsequently slipped an amendment regarding Abyssinian Billy Goats into legislation that resets the limit of alcohol in a person suspected of Driving Under The Influence (DUI) from 0.8 to 1/4th the square root of Pi.

As it came to pass, a legal sharp-shooter from the powerful Florida chapter of the United Cattlemen's Association caught wind and the bill was tabled -- only after the Cattlemen pledged to double the PAC contribution to Scott and the Neo-Con Cause.

Added incentive: the Cattlemen offered to run the Shepherds out of the state, at no-charge.

The DUI measure lived on, however. It was added as an amendment to pending legislation concerning Crawling Under The Influence  (CUI). The legal booze limit was set to be 1/3rd the square root of Pi.

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A last-minute effort to amend the state's new Anti-Beastiality Law had fallen fallow.

As everyone knows, Florida leads the Western World in the number of instances of "indescribable and incomprehensible, illicit and lascivious human contact with animals," which, for years, had been an extreme embarrassment and Sore Point with the Evangelicals and Neo-Cons.

The last-minute clarification was apparently offered by a Conservative lawmaker from the Panhandle, who had somehow mis-read the bill's title and who, consequently, arrived at the conclusion that this piece of legislation had something to do with Breasts.

The amendment would have accomplished a couple of things -- if it had been added to the bill:

#1. it would have required women to prove that they, in fact, actually have breasts before they can be legally married in the State of Florida;

#2. it would have imposed a $2,000.00 fine on any minister who knowingly and willfully aided and abetted the marriage of anyone without breasts in the Great State of Florida, it being the case that at least one member of the party to Sacred Union having Breasts thereto.

Devoid of this amendment, Florida now becomes the newest and latest State in the Union to designate, by law, beastiality as a crime.

Due to the rampant nature of criminal activity on this account, Scott and the legislature, in their infinite wisdom, appropriated $17 Million from the State Treasury for enforcement purposes.

This revenue will be transferred from the WIC Fund.

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A final piece of Legislative analysis concerns passage of a bill that grants Rick Scott full authority to call out the Florida National Guard & Reserves in order to invade a small, southeastern portion of Alabama.

Troops will be massed in mid-Summer to "take back"  land in Alabama land west of Escambia County and east of Mobile Bay. Scott made the invasion a major component of his campaign last fall -- an action, Scott notes, which has the complete and unqualified support of the Tea Party Movement.

This new Florida possession shall be named Palin County and will become home to British Petroleum's newest and latest Super Refinery.

Foot Note No. 1: Once the National Guard is battle-tested, Scott will order the troops to Baker County, where they will drive across Rte. 94 to "liberate" a sliver of far Southern Georgia. This action will fulfill another Rick Scott campaign promise: to straighten out Florida's state lines.

Foot Note No. 2: Scott is seeking Federal Funds from President Barack Obama in order to undertake these Military Operations.

Foot Note No. 3: Once Scott conquers Georgia, land will be named Pogo County. (Those under the age of 60 would be well-advised to Google the word "pogo" to learn more about this.)

Foot Note No. 4: State Rep. Flagstone C. Forhorn IV, a ninth-generation Republican from the Orlando Area, was the lone voice to speak out in opposition to the Breast Amendment. He strongly objected to the use of the word "Lascivious" in the bill, believing it was a blatant attack on Lascivious McLaughin, a little-used bench player on the Orlando Magic basketball team. Foghorn is a comp'd, season-ticket holder...