Some Henny-ish Material

The wonderful RNs who care for me during my chemotherapy treatments have -- all of them! -- a great sense of humor.

Not a day goes by when one RN or another either: (a) tells a patient going through treatment the latest joke she's heard (always clean); or (b) solicits new material (sometimes not so clean.)

And so it happened that I was sitting in their Treatment Room one early recent Monday morning, passing time watching the first of three drip bags drain into my veins, when Amanda and Judy -- while attending to their other nursely routines -- casually engaged themselves in pleasant conversation, trying to recall the name of the comedian best known for the gag line "Take my wife -- Please!"

Why they engaged in this inquiry is beyond my comprehension, but whatever, I guess this particular gag line came to the surface during a recent coffee break.

Who can say?

Regardless, and due to the fact that they were getting no closer than remembering that the comedian's name started with the letter "H," I decided to help them.

"The name you want is Henny Youngman," I said.

I sensed enlightened relief in their eyes.

I saw them smile.

I also sensed that I had started something ...

Judy (imitating Henny): "My wife asked me to take her to a place where she had never been before."
Amanda (imitating Pee Wee Herman): "So I said to my wife ..."
Together: "Try going out to the kitchen!"

DISCLAIMER #1: This routine was performed by a couple of professional women who probably have more degrees, collectively, than a thermometer. END OF DISCLAIMER.

Patricia and Connie, a couple of the other RNs who were tidying up the treatment room before "The Rush," just shook their heads in comradely disbelief.

Connie poked me on my shoulder: "See what you've started? Good thing you're the only patient in the room!"

Indeed. A routine exclusively performed for me.

So ...

Here's to the one and the only, Henny Youngman.

Back in his day, Henny was renowned as The King of the One-Liners -- a title bestowed upon him by the legendary New York entertainment columnist Walter Winchell.

He was the master of gags structured in  30 words or less: and the shorter the better as exemplified by the skit performed by Amanda and Judy.

Today, alas, the one-liner, comic art form has gone the way of the Dodo Bird. Rodney Dangerfield was probably its last well-known practitioner.

Youngman was also famous for building gags around the patient-doctor relationship. Patient visits doctor for heart disease? Diabetes? Depression? Pick your shtick. Henny poked fun at them all.

Which got me to thinking: what if Henny was bound-and-determined to mine humor if the subject matter just happened to be lymphoma?

How would he structure his material and, most important, where would he "draw the line?"

DISCLAIMER #2: I can get away with this: I have lymphoma.

Herewith, five (5) Henny Youngman- inspired gags which, I hope, do no disservice to the memory of the Baron of the Borscht Belt.

1. "My blood count is so low mosquitoes don't even waste their time with me."

2. "The doctor told me I didn't have shingles: said I had a case of industrial-grade roofing."

3. "I went into the bar and ordered a beer. Bartender said, 'you want it in a cold glass, or in a Drip Bag?"

4. "A guy noticed bruises all over my stomach and chest at the beach the other day. 'How did you get those,' he asked, 'rough sex?'  I said: 'I wish!'"

5. "The doctor hired a new RN, a former Playboy Bunny. She tried to draw some blood from my arm, but she said she couldn't find a throbbing vein. I told her she was checking the wrong part of my body."

DISCLAIMER #3: I promise not to quit my Day Job...