Lies, Untruths and Imponderables

We watched "A Few Good Men" the other night.

If you'll kindly recall, that's the film about a preppy Navy JAG (Tom Cruise) playing Cat and  Mouse with a grizzled Marine Colonel (Jack Nicholson) to get to the bottom of a murder at Camp Gitmo.

The money scene occurs when Cruise has Nicholson on the witness stand, boring in on The Colonel's involvement in the murder cover-up. Tom's zeroing in on the truth of what went down -- when Jack, in all of his arrogance, screams: "You Can't Handle The Truth!"

Fantastic Proclamation!

Indeed, can we handle what is actual, what is real, and what is true?

To a metaphysician such as I, we have entered Fertile Ground -- right up there with the moral conundrum posed in other great flicks such as "Hollywood Confidential" and "Who Framed Roger Rabbit."

In thinking about The Answer, I prefer to use the Yale University Method: whereby all available evidence, from any source, be it Earth-Bound of Extra-Terrestial, may be factored into the Logic in order to arrive at a Plausible Conclusion.

You, on the other hand, may decide to employ the Harvard University Law School Case Book Method -- but be warned! You may be short-changing yourself.

Now that that's off my chest, let's take a stroll down the Dilemma Highway and explore...

MORALITY Q.#1

Is it Okay to post a photo of yourself on your Face Book Wall, one that's 45 years out-of-date?

If you're in my league, you also have "Friends," too numerous to mention, who have actually done this. Why not throw in the towel and concede that Time has taken a bit of the bloom off the Rose? I'm just saying...

The fact remains: your photo is "of you" at some distant point in Time ... but it's not "of you," as you are today.

So the conclusion to MQ #1 must be: a dated photo may be "real" but is, indeed, not "actually real."

QED: Untrue. (I said I was using the Yale Method...)

(Disclosure time: To resolve this issue personally, I have decided to use (on an alternating basis) A: a very recent photo taken of me in Vermont; B: a photo of what I shall become someday, a Plant; or C: A characture of Sylvester The Cat.)

MORALITY Q. #2

You're at the doctor's office and he/she is about to perform a Bone Marrow Biopsy. You inquire: "Will this hurt?"

As the Doctor approaches your bare backside with an implement resembling a Cork Screw, you hear these reassuring words: "This won't hurt a bit."

In fact, Doctors undertake a special 20-hour training course in Medical School to prepare them how to answer questions like this one.

What he/she really meant to say is this: "Well, this isn't going to hurt Me!"

So the conclusion to MQ 2 is: It's your Butt that's lying there buck-naked on the table, not the Doctor's. Medical Ethics permits him/her to place all blame on the Cork Screw. The pain, however, is actual and it is real.

QED: Lie -- but the procedure is designed to save that Butt of Yours. Under the Yale Method, we cut the Sawbones Some Slack.

(Using the Harvard Case Study Method, the inquiry would have to include others, such as Dentists who approach you with a seven-inch long Novacaine Needle and Radiologists who perform Mammograms. Harvard also offers a post-graduate inquiry examining the exact number of Angels that can actually fit onto the point of a Cork Screw.)

MORALITY Q. #3

Your CPA has just handed you your Form 1040 Tax Return. Its girth resembles that of the New York Yellow Pages.

He/she turns to the last page and instructs you to "Sign Here."

Before you apply your John Hancock, you ask: "Do you think I'll get audited by the IRS this year?"

Your CPA looks you dead-in-the-eye and answers: "None of my clients have ever been audited. You should have no problem."

Three months later, you get a computer-generated letter from the IRS stating it will send an agent to your place of business or to your residence, to commence an Audit of your Income Tax filings for the last seven years.

Pending the outcome of the audit, the IRS further states, all of your bank accounts will be frozen.

So you phone your CPA with this news, reminding him/her of the fact that none of his/her clients have ever been audited by the IRS.

To which he/ she tells you: "Well, there's always a First For Everything."

The conclusion to MQ #3, therefore, must be of course, you agree that there must, in fact, be a First Time For Everything -- but little did you know that you would find yourself in this position.

QED: Imponderable. The conclusion is rather simple: extensive research into the Question at Yale University clearly demonstrates, on a consistent basis, that CPAs write and speak a Language of Riddles totally beyond the comprehension of most. Their Inner Circle specifically refers to this Language Form as "Cover Your Ass."

(Harvard recognizes this and, in response, it has developed an entire Course Study Method on how to train lawyers in the Fine Art of Litigating against CPAs.)

So there you have it. Three inquiries on Moral Matters affecting many of us. But why stop there?

Have fun employing this Method analyzing other Moral Questions such as:

"Is my Congressman telling me the truth about what's really going down in DC?" and;

"You really need to have that $1,000 brake job done on the car."

The metaphysician awaits your conclusions to these, and other matters of import.